LOVE
by bbjmet
Summary: What if Justin never got the chance to leave Ethan, because he wouldn't let Justin go?
1. Chapter 1

Summary: What if Justing didn't get to leave? set in season 3. Ethan beats Justin. :( May contain Spoilers...

A/N: One of my first queer as folk stories:D I really like it

Now I realize what I've had and What I've lost 'cause I'm feeling the pain Now I realize what is changing What is missing Right now and only now

Any breathe I take I think of all those things you did to demonstrate your love...

You're running and running.

And then…

You stop!

You stopped running, you stopped breathing, you stopped thinking.  
Thinking about the reason that had you running in the first place, the reason why the tears on your face are still going on and on.  
Brian never hit you, your father hit you once and Hobbs almost killed you. But Ethan…, no, you never thought his love for you would come out in such a cruel and hurtfull way. If that was Ethan's idea of love, then love sucked. He never thought he would think this. But from that moment on, he didn't believe in love anymore.

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Justin's POV…Earlier that evening.

"I need you," he tells me. I want to laugh in his face so badly, but I don't. He cheated, I wasn't needed then, so I am not needed now.

"You'll do just fine without me, " I say as I turn to reach the door handle. Opening it, I can't wait to get out of here. But then something happened and I never saw it coming.

"No!" He screams before grabbing my arm and yanking it so I have to turn around to face him.

"No? You telling me I can't go?" I pause taking my time to say this. " I make my own rules Ethan, It's over, now leave me alone."

As quick as he could, he slammed the door shut. Now standing in the way of my only exit, he starts talking.

"Justin…" He says. It's in a tone I never heard before. So calm, so quiet, so deadly. " I can't let you go. I won't let you go. You can't leave me. It was one stupid mistake Justin. And you will stay with me and forgive me." This is not a question. Do I dare to say no again?

I realize his hand is still on my arm and he is squeezing it harder and harder by the second. With his other hand he's touching my face letting his fingers slide over my cheek and into my hair. He gently pulls my hair away from my eyes. He takes a step forward so his body is touching mine. I can feel his hot breath against my ear. Slowly but hard he whispers to me: "You will never ever leave me and if you do, I promise I will make you hurt, cry and bleed. I keep my promises, Justin."

Having said that, he kisses my cheek and smiles at me. An evil smile, like a grin but not quite that, cause his eyes, dark as the night this is happening in, make the smile venomous.

I've never seen that look before on him and it scares me, it really does. I haven't said a word, I think I stopped breathing, but I am not sure. My eyes are teary and I am frozen to the ground. My body just won't move; I think it's as scared as my heart is. His love has turned into a power over me, that has developed in mere seconds. I feel like getting bashed again. This time I can make my own choices, but I don't. I feel like a teenager again who has to listen to everyone and doesn't have permission to live. If you told somebody what happened after those silent moments, they would have told you that you should have walked away…again but I didn't. And I try. I try again to leave…. to walk to the door, but I never make it. That's when he did what he had to do.

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It's late and you stumble into the diner. You hope no one will notice. You don't bleed, but you have a red mark all over your face. Your eyes are swollen and red. Allergies maybe?

You didn't even know where you were going until you heard that little bell over your head, announcing your own presence. Your body has entered, you lost your soul somewhere in that apartment. You see Michael and Ben sitting there and across from them is Brian.Neither of them notice you. You walk straight to the men's room to check on yourself, to hide yourself. And when you enter, you run into a toilet and fall into the corner crying your eyes out yet again. You know he will come search for you, cause you are his; He made that point to you loud and clear. He won't be nice about it. You just hope Brian or Deb doesn't see it in you.

After 5 minutes of crying, you stand and leave the stall. You look at yourself in the mirror and you can't say you are shocked of what you see. That red mark is there. And yes, your eyes are still as puffy if not more. You blow out a series of hot air to calm yourself down. You know why you came here. Brian is here and it's a public place. You want to tell Brian what happened, before Ethan comes here and causes a scene. But you can't, you can't tell him. You let him down those many months ago, he owes you nothing. You cheated on Brian to begin with, so this is what you get. This is what you deserve. This is what you asked for.

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Watch my lips They whisper the words you taught me to I am your mirror I have been since time began When you need power I am your satisfaction

He turns me around and before i can even blink to see him in front of me, I feel a sharp pain against my face. And I realize it's Ethan that hit me. Hard and he meant it. No 'sorry baby' afterwards instead it goes worse. He smacks me on the same spot again. That's when I fall to the floor. Not because of the power, but because the shock of the pain. I open my mouth to scream and nothing comes out of it. But after the nothing…the silence, comes the word "Stop!" I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I really wanted to, but instead a couple of heavy tears fell. No sobbing, no screaming, no attack.

"If I ever see your back again when you walk away, you will be sorry. So sorry for even thinking you are too good for me." He screams at me while I am still on the floor. He paces the room for a couple of seconds then he sits on the bed. He touches the sheets and a couple of roses next to the bed. All this time I still don't move. I just lay there watching him. He stands up and he looks at me. He comes towards me, picks me up and throws me on the bed. He is pulling my pants off and then the little switch in my head is back on. And I kick... I start to kick everywhere around me. When he throws his body on me I can't kick anymore and I can't move anymore. This bed, not much more than some pallets and a mattress, is starting to go down. It's spinning and it won't stop. He pulls out an orange rope from under the pallets and grab my hands to tie them up. I feel some splinters from the wood going inside my skin. Now I am here with him, here on the bed, nowhere in life. Pantsless, tied up. He stands up.

"You love me Justin, don't you?" He says while he is shedding his clothes. I don't answer him, cause I don't…anymore.

"You love it when I make love you, you love it when I fuck you." He comes in the bed again now pressing himself on me.

"I'm going to make sweet, hot and wild fucking love to you." He screams to me. He opens my legs.

" No, no ,no, no." I chant. " Ethan, no please, no!" I can't prevent this. It's going to happen. I'm going to feel it and it is going to hurt.

He enters me. No lube and no condom. No nothing. No love and that's what hurts the most. I pull my body up, it aches and I scream silently, moaning but the moans are not pleasant. I shut my eyes and think of a man. That's all I can do for now and hoping this will be over soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I dont own QAF. if i did i would be the happiest person ever :D

A/N: Chapter 2!!!! yay!!! lol this is one of my favorite stories that i've written. PLEASE REVIEW!!!! 3

Cause nothing is real, this is how I feel

And nothing is good, but I don't mind being blind, If you don't mind doing time

Train-Blind

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Still Justin's POV

It wasn't really a choice I made. Hell, it wasn't even my choice to begin with. I just let it happen, cause I knew that nothing that I said or did could change the moment. 'The moment' I let it show like it was something special. In a way it was, you know. I mean in that moment I saw the real face of Ethan and I saw my own face for the first time. A scared little boy. That is what I was and I don't expect to change now. This will hunt me for the rest of my life. Thinking about it. Crying about it. But right now, I don't want to think about it. When I shut my eyes or even just do nothing, I do think about it. A bad memory that doesn't want to fade away. Cause I won't let it.

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After Ethan fu…raped me, he let me loose cause he fell asleep 10 minutes later. I slipped out of the bed very quietly and I slipped my pants back on and headed out of the door. And here I am, still at the dinner. Still in front of the mirror.  
I blow my nose and step silently forward. I slide into the booth closest to me and just sit there. Sit there waiting for him to come. Brian and the guys still didn't see me. It's like I don't want him to see me, but then again I want him to take me away with him, far away from here and Ethan, while being in his arms all that time, just me and him. That is just a delusional thought.

Kikki comes up to me to ask what I want. What do I want, where do I start? " Just water. That'll be fine." I say. She gives me a nod and a couple of moments later she is back with my water.

" You know, whateva happened to you hun, you can stop it." She started talking and I didn't realize it.

"What?" I ask dumbfounded. She comes closer to me and whispers in my ear.

"You have a hand and a fistprint on your cheek. You are shaking like a leaf and you have been crying. Justin, do I need to go on?

"No, you don't leave me alone ok, it's not your business." I whisper back.

She shakes her head. "If you stay where you are, you will self-destruct. Shouldn'y you say something to Brian?"

"Shut up!!!" I yell. The whole dinner is watching me, including Brian. I see something has changed in his eyes as soon as he sees me. But I can't make out if it a good thing or a bad thing, cause I never saw it before. He raises an eyebrow at me. I shake my head again and pass through Kikki. I hear the bell ring again and I feel it. He's here and he is looking at me with that devilish grin. The dinner is moving again, they never heard anything. I look around me trying to find support, but they all keep talking and eating. They didn't know what happened and I don't want them to find out. But I do want to tell them.

I'm frozen to the floor again. His control over me is so big, that I don't have the power or the energy to stop it. He comes up to me and we are face to face now. I know Brian is watching from the corner of his eye. Ethan lays his hand on my arm and I totally forget about Brian, I really do. I know Brian, Ben and Kikki are the only ones watching but I forget them. It's just Ethan and me for the moment. I don't see them anymore, I just see what happened 2 hours before this. I only see the both of us, that's all I see.

"Justin…why did you run off like that? Didn't you like it?" AAAAH, I want to scream that that question is bullshit. This isn't right, this whole fucked up situation isn't right. He wants to play it nice.

"I asked you a question." He stares at me and I stare back. Still having a face that says nothing at all. It's like I am completely numb, but on the inside I am screaming and running.

He pulls my arm. I can't count the times he has yanked at my arm tonight. I still don't move or talk.

" Come with me now, so we can talk." Talk? Talk about what? About what a pussy I am or about what an asshole you are?

He leans forward and kisses me in front of the diner, in front of…Brian. Shit, Brian, I look over at him and he changes positions, so I wouldn't see he was watching us or me. Ethan follows my gaze and he turns angry. He doesn't show it, but I feel the heat of his body and it goes warmer and warmer.

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Brian's POV

What are they doing? I have been looking at them for the past 10 minutes and something is off here. And I can't help but notice that Justin looks like shit for the moment. His beautiful blue eyes are so much lighter and I can tell he's been crying. But I don't care, he is with Ian now. Whatever his problem is, it isn't that the fiddler can handle. I see Justin look over to me and I feel like a dear caught in the headlights. I grab my cup of coffee, so it would seem I wasn't peeking through my eyelashes. But I was. I can lie about that to them, but not to myself.

"Why are you looking at him?" I hear Ethan say. Who me?

" I wasn't Ethan." That's the first time I hear him speak tonight besides the shut-up to Kikki.

"Shut up Justin." Oh there is where he got that. There is something off between them. I wonder if they had a fight or something. But who am I to interfere, so I don't.

I see Ethan drag Justin outside by his hand. When they pass my booth, Justin is looking at me, directly into my eyes. And fuck me, I see something that I didn't see before. He has a bruise on his cheek. I hope he didn't walk into Hobbs again.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:: Ch.3!!! I can't decide what to call this story so tell me!!! either Fucking Love, He never promised me anything, or LOVE. Also, sorry this chapter seems shorter I've been having killer headaches...now on with it!  
Disclaimer:: Sadly, I dont own Queer as folk!!!

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2 Weeks Later

Brian's POV

I saw him today and by him I mean Justin. He looked good, he looked happy. Well I guess he is happy now with Ian…Ethan I mean. I think we both did the right thing. I couldn't give him what he needed, wanted so… I never could, so yeah I think he is better off now. As long as I see him smiling, I'm ok. But I do miss him though. I will never admit it to him off course. But I think I can afford to admit it to myself. I miss Justin. I miss his gentle touch, his soft lips, his pouting. I had to laugh at that. He did have this way of pouting that even a puppy can't mirror. I miss his skin, I miss his ass. I miss it all. I miss him.

I remember that precise moment at the rage party. That look of his. I fucked myself over and two times that is. I don't think I will ever forget that look in his eyes as he saw me. It was more sadness then anger. I directly pushed him into the arms of the fiddler and I don't regret it. Not even a little bit. Yeah, it's better this way. Me and him…No, it would've never worked out. I did enough thinking about Justin for one day. I stand up from my desk, grab another cup of coffee and sit back down. Now…I really need to finish these accounts.

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Justin's POV

Two weeks has passed now. You know, since 'the moment'. Fuck, I still call it that. Why can't I just tell it to myself what it was, what it really was and how it made me feel… on the inside? After Ethan took me home, no back to his apartment, I got another kick in the ribs but not before I was holding my face again crawling on the floor. And that was it. It stopped. Nothing has happened since then.  
I guess it's because I stopped living. I go to school, come back here, I sleep and I am off to school again. It's a routine.  
I had to quit my job at the dinner, cause Ethan said that when Brian is there I won't be able to focus and I will only bring myself more trouble. And I know he is right.  
I'm still with Ethan as you can see. I have to love him, I have no other choice. I have to be true to him, I owe it to Ethan. In all that time, even at the end, I was with Ethan I still loved Brian more than anything... more than him. and that's not right. I cheated more on Ethan than Ethan cheated on me.  
I need to forget about Brian, ban him out of my life and move on. I need to forget about the family and get me a new one. Ethan's family. Ethan said I will have a new one. Me and him. And he is right. I have no more business there. Deb was mad when she heard I quit my job at the diner. I think Brian's family knew it too, cause no one stops by anymore. Michael forgot about Rage. Linds and Mel don't say hey anymore and Emmett, well it's been ages since I've seen him. It's been 2 weeks since I've last seen Brian at the diner.

Until today, I had to avoid him. I had to pretend I didn't see him and I know it worked. I just went the other way.

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"Brian, can't you just talk to him? It's like he changed overnight. When I go to see him, Ethan is telling me he's not home, but for god sake I went like 350 times allready in one week. He's got to be home at some point." Daphne explained.

"Daphne, please, can't you just go rant somewhere else? I have work to do."

"Brian, stop the fucking act allready, it's getting boring. Everybody, including you, knows you care about him, now don't tell me you haven't noticed a change in his lifestyle. Its been 3 weeks since we've seen him. Brian, I think he wants to disappear in one way or another. I know Justin and what I see now, well that's not Justin." Daphne finished her yelling in a softer voice.

She had to let Brian know what she felt about Justin wasn't right for some reason. They've been best friends since forever. They could feel one another and what she felt right now wasn't all great.

Brian was blown away. He allready seen this side of Daphne. When Justin left to New York. It was pure anger. But right now, there was something different, Daphne was sad and Brian had to find out why. Sure like he said, he didn't want to interfere anymore. But hey, if Daphne wanted something the little girl could have it. Not only was she a friend of Justin, she had become a very good friend of Brian too, just because Brian loved to play with her head. Oh those crushes.

Brian was in conflict. For one, he wanted to please Daphne and make her happy, so he would have to look up Justin. And if he had to be true to himself he wondered why Justin was disappearing. He wasn't stupid, he noticed the change too. He didn't work in the diner anymore, didn't go to Babylon and no one ever saw him anymore at Debbie's dinners. Something was way off. But still; a week ago the boy seemed happy. His ex lover seemed happy with his new lover. Now that was the reason why he couldn't do as Daphne asked. He wouldn't go, he had absolutely no more business there. None what so ever. It's Justin's life, maybe he was in a depression. His grades were failing, who knows.

He is a big boy now, I don't need to take care of him in that way anymore. Ethan can take care of him. With flowers and romance and all that bullshit. In his heart Brian knew that he needed to see what was up with Justin. He may look happy but looks can be deceiving.

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Rate and Review Please!! Critiscim greatly appreciated!! 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Nope i still dont own QAF

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"Justin, what's for dinner tonight?" Ethan yelled to Justin the moment he stepped through the door.

"Hey to you too, I made chicken salad." Justin replied.

"That's my good wife." Ethan smiled.

"Don't call me your wife, Ethan, cause I'm not."

"Oh but if I say you are my wife, then you are; you cook, you clean and you bitch, that makes you my wife."

"Whatever… I'm going to take a shower, I'll be back." Justin said while he was walking towards the bathroom.

"You do that, I want that slutty ass of yours cleaned."

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Justin was sick and tired. He let the water run while he was taking of his clothes. He was thinking about the past weeks. Nothing's changed really. Ethan was still an asshole and Justin was still scared as hell, but he didn't have anyone to run to. He didn't see anyone anymore. Daphne was out of his life because Ethan wouldn't let Justin see her and as for the others, well he started to forget what they looked like. He stepped into the hot shower and let it clean his body. He felt so dirty, he wished he could rip his skin off, so Ethan's marks would leave. His arms were black and blue, tight fingers around his hips and a couple of bruises on his face. It would never go away, when old ones would fade, new ones would be there soon. He reached for the cheap soap and started laughing. Brian would have a fit if he would have to wash himself with this crappy soap. The laughter soon became tears of sadness. Oh god, he missed Brian so much but Brian couldn't help him. Nobody could. But…sometimes a man has to know when to ask for help.  
He heard the door open and Justin froze. It's strange really, it's like knowing when death is in the room.

"Is that ass clean yet, cause I feel like fucking tonight!?!" Ethan was already in the shower pressing himself against Justin, holding a deadly grip on him.

"Ethan please, can't it wait?" Justin pleaded.

"Oh Jus, have you been crying? Are you not happy with me? Don't I give you a place to live? Don't I fuck you hard enough?" Ethan yelled the last part.

"Please Ethan, not now." Justin said while be backed away. He felt like he was ready to leave the shower.

"Don't leave me. Didn't I tell you before that I don't want to see your back ever again? Except when my dick is in your ass." Ethan pulled Justin to him and spooned his chest to Justin's back.

"Come on baby, let me show you how much I love you." Justin cringed when he heard the words so close to his ears.

In one quick and hard movement Ethan was inside Justin. Making him scream with pain. Justin's legs were about to give up when Ethan pushed him against the glass door of the shower. Fucking him harder and harder. Justin gripped the door while he was crying. His muscles were so tight, he felt every grip and every slam Ethan did to him. It was hurtfull, but not only physical. In his head he was dying a bit. Feeling like a stupid little faggot for letting it happen. But once again he told himself he couldn't do anything about it. If this was it, then he had to take it. Ethan fucked him hard. He felt something warm running down his legs. It couldn't be water cause the water was long cold. When he looked down he saw blood. Pure red liquid. He started to scream and cry louder. The pain was unbearable. When he noticed Ethan didn't wear a condom, his body went in shock. Ethan let him drop to the ground. He turned the shower off and stepped in some new clothes. Seconds later Ethan left the apartment and Justin was all alone in the bathroom.

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If sadness is a color,  
than it's blue just like your eyes

And sorrow can be all over you but it will never tear me down

Better times are moving up ahead And all sorrow is gone for good

But hey my love, I guess I misunderstood

He heard banging, but he didn't know where it came from. Justin was still laying in the shower barely awake. Naked and covered with his own blood. It hadn't stopped bleeding. It will never stop bleeding.  
He tried to get up to see where the banging came from, but he couldn't move. He felt a pain go trough him and he screamed. The banging got louder, but the blackness came closer and closer. His eyes were so heavy, he needed to shut them. He heard a loud crack and running. His name was repeated again and again. Ethan was back. He couldn't handle much more. The tears came rushing down his cheeks and he kept on screaming "No, Ethan Leave me alone. No wanna be… just alone." That's all he could manage. He felt hands all over his body, someone screaming in the background. And before his vision went black again, he saw Brian's sad eyes.

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Brian POV

I saw Ethan leave the apartment, so I waited till he was gone. I think it will be much better if I talk to Justin when Ethan is not there. After my talk with Daphne I started to pay more attention to Justin. What he looked like, the features on his face and all. But sadly I have to say I haven't seen him in over a week, so I thought I would be brave enough to actually come here and see how he's doing. I think I was wrong, I'm too chickenshit to even talk to him.  
It takes me another ten minutes, until I scrape up my courage. I look up and see a light burning in the dump that he lives in. I have passed the street enough to get a glimpse of him. But I never caught him. Only one time he was standing in front of the window and the afternoon sun was shining to him like he was some piece of gold. I saw an angel.

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I'm in luck, cause there is someone coming out of the building so I run quickly to the door.  
That way I don't have to ask him to let me in. I check the mailboxes to see what number it is.

Ethan Gold

Justin Taylor

I laugh, they even have an own mailbox. How cute… I can already feel some vomit in my mouth. I take the stairs and let them lead me to the door. This really is a shithole. I knock a couple of times but no one answers. That's odd. I did see some light. I knock a little bit louder and then I heard a scream. I freeze. It was Justin, I keep knocking but still no one answers. I step back and take a deep breath. I run to the door and it cracks easily. I stumble into the room and my eyes immediately scan for Justin. I keep calling his name and then I hear him yelling.

"No…Ethan, Leave…Alone…Just Alone…" I follow the sound and run into the bathroom. My heart breaks at the scene before me. Justin is laying in the shower naked. His body is bruised new and old ones and his back and legs are red and shiny. He is shivering, tears running down his face and his body is shaking hard. I start to cry to because I am mad at myself for doing this to him. For not seeing it sooner.  
I keep repeating his name cause I thought when I stopped he would leave me. I take him in my arms and look at him. His eyes are slowly opening. He sees me and then he goes into shock. I grab my cell phone and call an ambulance. I tell them this address and I plead with them to hurry. I grab a towel and lay it on top off Justin. I'm still crying. I hold him close to me, but he doesn't respond, no movement. I grab his wrist and I feel a small heartbeat. So small when he used be full of life. I hear the paramedics and they take Justin. I'm telling them that I'm riding with him. While they are working on him, I grab his hand again and hold it close to me I never want him to leave me again. I tell him to hold on, I tell him he can be with me again. I hear the paramedics talking about losing a lot of blood, this feels the same way as the last ride we took to the hospital. It's prom night all over again, but this time I will not run away… I will be here for him all the way…

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A/N: i got over excited and wrote like a crazy person so now the story i think is done but maybe not...muahhhaaaa 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:: This could be the last chapter, im still deciding... R/R please :D**

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"Brian… I love you"

Brian POV

I've been sitting here for hours. There has been no doctor or nurse to tell me what's going on. The moment we arrived here at the hospital they took Justin in and its been awhile since I heard of him. I pray that he's ok. Which is an odd thing to do, never in my life have I prayed before. I didn't even pray when he got bashed. Cause I knew deep in my heart that he would be fine. He would make it without me. Now, I'm not so sure. I can kill myself for not seeing sooner what was happening. How can I be so stupid? Daphne told me something was going on. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore. But I couldn't let it go. So now I'm in this mess. Fuck Daphne I need to call her.

But just as I was going to call her, a doctor comes out and instead of calling Daphne I wait for him to come to me. Hoping it's about Justin, cause I need to know.

"Are you Mr. Kinney?" Clueless people.

"Yes I am, how is Justin doing?" I ask cause I don't want to chit chat right now.

"Maybe you should sit down again, sir."

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Leave, just leave. My chest. Aahh.

A sharp breath escapes his lips. Opening eyes that scan the room, but doesn't know where he belongs in this. Could it be? That he died and gone to heaven? Such a bright light.

And then the eyes close again. It was just a shock. A very painful shock may I add. People yelling all around and it hurts his ears. Shock. For a dead man those electric shocks do hurt a lot.

"Flatline…again."

Why 'flatline' what is the meaning of that? Did Justin really die?

No, cause although he lost a lot of blood and he has many injuries and internal bleedings from previous encounters with Ethan, Justin's heart will never stop. Now it keeps beating. For Brian only.

"We got him back, let's move along. This kid will be fine."

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_I can't live_

_I can't breathe_

_Unless you do this with me_


End file.
